I miss...

him. It's horribly true, I miss him. I know things were not perfect, by any means, with us, but he made me feel a certain way that nobody else could. I hate missing him. I don't want to; hell, I don't even want to think about it. However, he consumes a good portion of my thoughts. I try to change the subject in my head when he pops in there, but whatever I change to still seems to somehow correlate with him causing me to miss him more. It's a vicious cycle and I want so to be done with it. I miss the way his arms felt around me and the way he smelled. (Let me just tell you, it was GOOD!) I miss our every night conversations before bed and the random calls I would get in the middle of the day. I miss the way he looked when he walked in my door and the way it felt when he would kiss me. I miss the sound of his laughter when he tried (horribly) to play Guitar Hero and the way he would flirt with me to try and distract me from kicking his ass. I miss how he would pull me closer and how he slept with his eyes ever so slightly opened. I even miss his snoring... how nuts is that? I hate that I miss all these things, but I can't help it.

I figured if I wrote down all I missed about him, it would no longer be in my head and maybe wouldn't be in the forefront of my head and I wouldn't think about it so often I know that I can't not think about him since he was a part of my life, but maybe I won't have to think about him as much. If I didn't have the show I'm in right now to help with my distraction, I would probably be worse off. The part that kills me about it is he will be coming to see this show. I don't know what night, but I know he will be there and I will have to see him and converse and who knows. I don't know how I can handle that or if I can even handle that.

I had a conversation the other night with Courtney about how I tend to date men that are lacking in certain areas that they should not be lacking in. So, she asked me, "When it comes to men, what is important to you that should not be compromised?" The answer was simple. Faith in God, trust, and conversation. She asked me which of these was Greg lacking in. Indeed, he was lacking one of the 3 most important ideals I had when it came to men. Conversation. Yes, we could converse about our days and the weather, but that's not conversation; that's shooting the breeze. I need to ability to converse with my partner with a sense of ease and flow. I enjoy conversing and debating and learning and listening too much to let that ideal fall by the wayside. With Greg, he and I could not just sit and talk for hours about 12,000 different subjects and not realize that time has flown. Conversation did not flow easily. It felt forced and empty. It's true. I'm an intellectual human being and need stimulating conversation to satisfy my appetite. Greg could not provide that for me. Courtney told me that I tend to focus more on outward appearances and compromise the inward ones. COMPLETELY BACKWARDS! She said that I need to refocus my eyes to see what's behind theirs first vs. how their eyes look. Does this make me a shallow person? That I have tended to compromise on the more important issues first to have the look I wanted? Call me crazy, but that's shallow. Courtney said the thing I refused to admit to. What are best friends for? So, now the time has come to begin the process of changing my perspective. To try and see the inner beauty and find the qualities that are most important to me before I get caught up in the body. This is easier said that done, but I have begun to try and change.

I hope this gets easier and I hope that I stop missing him so much.