My Singin' Legs

I have noticed while re-reading my recent blogs that they all tend to be of a negative nature. This is not at all who I am. I'm a glass half full kind of gal! So, I wanted to share with you some things that inspire me, make me smile, or cause me to think. Dave Barnes Lyrics to Close Your Eyes : When the future gets real tough And silence speaks too much, I'll reach my hands to you. And if you feel all alone And hope is dead and gone, I'll be right there for you. I'll be all you need, close your eyes and just believe. Love, it can break your heart, But that's where real love starts. Trust me, I'll show you. Life, it can beat you down, But I'll still be around. There's nothing I can't do. I'll be all you need, close your eyes and just believe. Life is shorter than you think. It can get lost in a blink. Don't let it pass you by. And me, I've loved you from the start, You're the blood that bea...

As I was driving to Jimmy John's to acquire my delicious vegetarian sandwich that I love so much, I placed a call to my mother. I wanted to chat for a second and make her aware of the situation with Greg that has all recently unfolded. In expecting a sympathetic ear, I was faced with a comment from her that stung at first. "Well, sweetie, you made it more difficult." Initially, I was hurt. A pang shot through my chest and my eyes began to water. I made it more difficult? How did I do this? Did I not give him my love and devotion? Did I not accept him for who he was, in spite of all his flaws? Did I not bend over backwards to try and make him happy? Did I not forgive him after he disappeared on me 2 years ago? How did I make it more difficult? So, I posed the question to her. "How did I make it more difficult?" She came back with " introducing him to us and the "other" situation." Does she forget that he was the one that want...

As promised... a new blog to sort of describe how I'm feeling about my life! When you walk into a bowling alley, you are greeted with many lanes and many games occurring all at the same time. If you try and focus on each one individually, you will be overwhelmed and develop a headache. Imagine that you are the only player for each of those games and it's ALWAYS your turn. Turn after turn after turn, your arm will get tired before too much time passes, I mean come on, we're only human. Well, that's what life is feeling like for me recently. I'm the lone player trying to keep many games going on all at the same time and it's always my turn. For those of you that have read my blogs, you know that one of those games has ended. Game, set, match (wait, is that tennis?) Over and done... he has struck out and the lights are off! Greg and I are over. This game will not be restarted. The pins are all broken and cannot be replaced. It's the phrase ...

Greg and I are done, finished, never again, over, last time, concluded, chapter closed, terminated, it's time to move on and not look back! Why do men make this more difficult than it needs to be? Why are men so afraid of the truth? Do you think women can't handle the truth? Like we're not tough enough? Like your truth will break us? Like we're made of such fragile material that we can't handle or take the truth? I'm sorry, but we're women. We can handle more than you can and more than you give us credit for! Greg, did you think I would not figure it out? Did you think that I wouldn't see the pictures? Did you think you were protecting me by feeling me a line of bullshit? Did you think I would fall apart because you and I can't be together anymore? Did you really think that? Like I needed you? No sir! I don't need anyone. I need God and my family and my best friend! I don't need a man, I want a man. And from your actions, ...

For me! Could this song be any more appropriate for me in this moment? I moved into my new place on Saturday. It's the cutest little apartment ever! A one bedroom with a patio and fireplace! It's so me! It feels like home and I love it! Saturday morning, after a great rehearsal with John, Courtney and I went and lunched at Chipotle before attempting to move! She and I got one load in the truck over to the new place and another load in the truck. Dave, Adrian, and Scott showed up to help with the rest of it and the heavy stuff! They seriously are amazing men! Court and I would have been lost and broken without them on Saturday. They got my bedroom and washer and dryer over to the new place. Dave even got the washer hooked up. The dryer needs a new silver tube thing to make it work. Later in the evening, Chris showed up and helped with the last little bit. Courtney, Scott, and I have some beer and pizza while we set up my new bedroom. Scott brought me a gorgeous...

So, my "friend" (and I use that term loosely), the one that owes me about $200... oh, did she just make me angry! She told me a couple weeks ago that she would be unable to pay me right now because she has to pay for summer school. In March? Really? I'm not an idiot, but apparently she is. She commented or wrote on someone's wall that she was thankful that they bought her lunch (that's like 3 days now) and she's looking forward to the movies this weekend and the tattoo shop! Seriously? You're gonna spend the money you owe me on tats? Have you no respect? No dignity? No care or concern for what your word means? Does it not bother you that your word means nothing and that I have lost that much more respect for you? Does your reputation not concern you? After all the years we spent under the heading of "best friends", you throw it all away. I mean, you already kind of did with the Christmas dinner at Mi Cocina with your words. Yes, th...

I've decided something... I should start taking pictures again. I really enjoyed doing that. It was another creative outlet that had no rules or regulations. Everyone sees beauty in a different way and I liked what I saw and I love what I captured.

People that owe me money. Like almost $200! If you state that you will do something, then fall back on your word without a logical explanation, that angers me. Summer school? That's not even until the end of May and you're at TCC and you have a roommate! At least make an effort and make a payment. I'm having to borrow money to make ends meet. I had to borrow $150 from a friend, which was paid back IMMEDIATELY! I have now borrowed $300 from my job, which will be paid back in 2 installments. I'm not a difficult person to deal with. I'm actually a very understanding person. Just be honest and act like a grown up and pay! *steps off of soap box* Crap, maybe I should take my own advice with my debts. "Ye who is sinless, may cast the first stone." Curses.

There are only days left in the hell hole I currently live in. Days. And as I'm leaving this morning, there is a trash bag sitting inside next to the front door. Inside! Abby took the trash from the can, tied it up, replaced the bag, and then left it inside? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Could you not make the extra effort to walk it to the dumpster, which is on the way to your car? Are you kidding me? Are you 12? It seems like she knows this is a button she can push with me, so she is pushing it. Why would she want to make the last few days even more miserable for me? Does she not know what I'm going through with this and everything else right now? That's right, she doesn't. She won't talk to me. I'm ready for this to be over.

Yes, a new day. And I will find the little things today that make me happy. I will take this day one moment at a time. Except that, I may have caused myself to stumble a bit. I received my regular P90X newsletter this morning (yes, I too am a convert) and it contained a recipe for a grilled salmon burrito. This immediately made me think of Greg. (He likes salmon so much he puts it in his grits in the morning)! So, I forwarded him the email. He responded back. He hoped that I was having a lovely morning. This made me smile and subsequently look through the emails that he and I have corresponded with over the past several months. Yeah, I was so emotionally cutting. Why do I do that? I mean, I know I'm not the only one that does, but I seem to do it more frequently. Why do I want to feel pain? Do I need to feel pain to know I exist? I don't get it. Why intentionally hurt myself emotionally? I miss him.

Seems to be a roller coaster for me lately. I have several good things happening and a few not so good things happening. I feel like I'm out of control and walls are crashing in around me, but I stand firmly where I am. The debris and dust cloud my vision, but I can see light. My life feels like a contradiction at times. Let's start from about 2 years ago..... I was living at home, burnt out on theatre, relationship status: single, and felt like I was stagnant. I was. I was merely existing. Not the life I wanted for myself, nor the life I deserved. I knew that I wanted and needed more. I'm not sure of the day, but one day, I woke up and felt like things were changing; my feelings, my thoughts, my existence. I began to think about going back to school. I realized that theatre is my passion, not my paycheck. I wanted my ducks to be in a row so I would be ready for any relationship that God blessed me with. So, I sat down with my folks and told them my plan. I wa...

Well, I didn't win. It's ok though. The play I was in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" did win Best Play Non-Equity! YAY! Greg was an angel for wearing a suit and just being amazing the whole night. I felt so beautiful and loved that night! I presented Best Choreography with my dear friend, Darius! We had a Halle Berry/Adrian Brody moment on stage. I was Adrian Brody. LOL! The evening was a success! I spent the next day at the car shop getting my car inspected. That was fun... not, but I'm legal now.