My Singin' Legs

Yes, I know. It's been a long long time. Things have been... well, crazy. What else do you expect? I have lots to catch you up on and I intend to...but later. I have to close my show today. It's been a great run, but I'm ready for it to end. I promise, that I will come back and rehash all that has occurred since I last blogged. Wish me a GREAT SHOW!!!

Yes, this is the mood I'm in today and I needed a song to match it. I am many things, but I'm not my hair! (Yes, I know the lyrics pertain to a woman of African American descent and I'm not, but look past that to the message of the song and you will see how I am feeling today!) Thanks Ashlie! You're the best! I AM NOT MY HAIR (India.Arie) Is that India.Arie? What happened to her hair? Ha ha ha ha ha Dat dad a dat da Dad a ooh Little girl with the press and curl Age eight I got a Jheri curl Thirteen I got a relaxer I was a source of so much laughter At fifteen when it all broke off Eighteen and went all natural February two thousand and two I went and did What I had to do Because it was time to change my life To become the women that I am inside Ninety-seven dreadlock all gone I looked in the mirror For the first time and saw that HEY.... I am not my hair I am not this skin I am not your expectations no no I am not my hair I ma not this skin I am a soul that lives with...

Watch the sunrise Say your goodbyes Off we go Some conversation No contemplation Hit the road Car overheats Jump out of my seat On the side of the highway, baby Our road is long Your hold is strong Please don't ever let go, oh no I know I don't know you But I want you so bad Everyone has a secret Oh, can they keep it? Oh no, they can't I'm driving fast now Don't think I know how to go slow Where you at now I feel around There you are Cool these engines Calm these jets I ask you how hot can it get And as you wipe off beads of sweat Slowly you say, I'm not there yet I know I don't know you But I want you so bad Everyone has a secret Oh, can they keep it? Oh no, they can't I know I don't know you But I want you so bad Everyone has a secret Oh, but can they keep it? Oh no, they can't

And strangely is a song by the country group, SheDaisy. It's how I feel right now... I'm hopeful about love again and I know what I need, want, deserve, and what I won't bend on. So, here are the lyrics for you and for me too... This woman that takes on the world And picks up your shirts, keeps it together somehow This same woman, that melts with your touch Wants you to feel what I'm feeling right now 'Cause this woman needs A safe place to land The strength in your hands To know you know What this woman needs Is somewhere to cry So lay by my side And I'll tell you, I'll tell you This woman needs to be reassured That my heart's your home and love is what wills you to stay I need you to see me in every light And hear that you still think I'm beautiful anyway 'Cause this woman needs A safe place to land The strength in your hands To know you know What this woman needs Is somewhere to cry So lay by my side And I'll ...

It's a little bit of a sad day for me today. After a magnificent run of Much Ado About Nothing followed by 3 amazing reviews from The Edge/Dallas, Theatre Jones, and The Column; the show has sadly closed. After 2 weekends of packed houses and superb audience response, it's over and I'm most sad about this. This show, this role, my fellow actors, and the friends I have made over the course of this process made all the shit that we went through totally worth it! I truly feel like I am a stronger woman after playing this role. I feel as if I have more confidence in my acting ability and in myself after this. I feel like I have a stronger conviction in myself when it comes to men in general. As you know, Greg and I broke up almost 2 months ago. Well, he kept telling me, in our limited conversations via text, that he would be coming to see the show. He said he would be attending the first weekend, but never showed. I don't really know why, but this made me sad a...

Yes, there are new developments in my life. Most of which I am most thankful for despite the circumstances that caused them. As you read previously, my maternal grandfather passed away last Tuesday, April 20th. He was 80 years old. He led a wonderful life and loved his children, Monica and Kirk. He loved his grandchildren, myself, Abby, Ryan, and Kolton. And he loved his late wife, Wanda, who left us several years ago. Though he may not have been the best at expressing his emotions, he did love us. My mom and uncle were in Denver to close up accounts and handle all legal work. My mom was placed as executor according to the Last Will and Testament. A memorial service was held in Denver on April 25th for his companion, Jeanie, and his friends. Over 120 people attended the ceremony. My mom said that she was overwhelmed by how many people were apart of his life. She called me after the ceremony to regale me of the event and told me of something she found. When she and Kirk ar...

My sincerest apologies for neglecting my blogging therapy. Many things have occurred recently that have caused my absence from here. Please let me explain: Tuesday, April 20th began like any other day. Wake up, feed the fish, get to work. Well, after being at work for a couple of hours, my father came in to inform me that my grandfather had passed away that morning from a massive heart attack. It floored me. Knocked the wind out of me. I was not anywhere near prepared for this. My dad just let me sit there and cry. I left the office and went home. Courtney came over with Jack in the Box and we watched Top Gun! I just needed a moment to process what happened. I went to rehearsal that evening and then home to a brainless movie, a beer, and the company of my best friend. I have slept in the last few days and took care of some business around the house. There, sadly, is drama with the Last Will and Testament and my mom, as executor, is taking care of things. Her and my u...

him. It's horribly true, I miss him. I know things were not perfect, by any means, with us, but he made me feel a certain way that nobody else could. I hate missing him. I don't want to; hell, I don't even want to think about it. However, he consumes a good portion of my thoughts. I try to change the subject in my head when he pops in there, but whatever I change to still seems to somehow correlate with him causing me to miss him more. It's a vicious cycle and I want so to be done with it. I miss the way his arms felt around me and the way he smelled. (Let me just tell you, it was GOOD!) I miss our every night conversations before bed and the random calls I would get in the middle of the day. I miss the way he looked when he walked in my door and the way it felt when he would kiss me. I miss the sound of his laughter when he tried (horribly) to play Guitar Hero and the way he would flirt with me to try and distract me from kicking his ass. I miss how he wou...

I've been known in my lifetime to have some pretty interesting dreams; and some of which I actually remember. After last night's dream, I thought I would share with you the one's I remember and get your feedback on them. As a child, I had this recurring dream: It was Superbowl Sunday and my parents nearest and dearest friends were all crammed into our apartment that we lived in at the time. However, the apartment was somehow bigger than I remember it. We were all gathered around the TV and cheering the Cowboys on when the door busts in. Two men barge in with masks on. They reminded me of the two bad guys that worked for Cruella DeVille, but in real life. They demand all our money or they will turn us into stone. One of dad's friends begins to laugh and attempts to charge at the robbers. In mid stride, the robbers pulled out what appeared to be spray cans and sprayed him. He instantly turned to stone and disappeared. This immediately caused a frenzy in the ...

I have noticed while re-reading my recent blogs that they all tend to be of a negative nature. This is not at all who I am. I'm a glass half full kind of gal! So, I wanted to share with you some things that inspire me, make me smile, or cause me to think. Dave Barnes Lyrics to Close Your Eyes : When the future gets real tough And silence speaks too much, I'll reach my hands to you. And if you feel all alone And hope is dead and gone, I'll be right there for you. I'll be all you need, close your eyes and just believe. Love, it can break your heart, But that's where real love starts. Trust me, I'll show you. Life, it can beat you down, But I'll still be around. There's nothing I can't do. I'll be all you need, close your eyes and just believe. Life is shorter than you think. It can get lost in a blink. Don't let it pass you by. And me, I've loved you from the start, You're the blood that bea...

As I was driving to Jimmy John's to acquire my delicious vegetarian sandwich that I love so much, I placed a call to my mother. I wanted to chat for a second and make her aware of the situation with Greg that has all recently unfolded. In expecting a sympathetic ear, I was faced with a comment from her that stung at first. "Well, sweetie, you made it more difficult." Initially, I was hurt. A pang shot through my chest and my eyes began to water. I made it more difficult? How did I do this? Did I not give him my love and devotion? Did I not accept him for who he was, in spite of all his flaws? Did I not bend over backwards to try and make him happy? Did I not forgive him after he disappeared on me 2 years ago? How did I make it more difficult? So, I posed the question to her. "How did I make it more difficult?" She came back with " introducing him to us and the "other" situation." Does she forget that he was the one that want...

As promised... a new blog to sort of describe how I'm feeling about my life! When you walk into a bowling alley, you are greeted with many lanes and many games occurring all at the same time. If you try and focus on each one individually, you will be overwhelmed and develop a headache. Imagine that you are the only player for each of those games and it's ALWAYS your turn. Turn after turn after turn, your arm will get tired before too much time passes, I mean come on, we're only human. Well, that's what life is feeling like for me recently. I'm the lone player trying to keep many games going on all at the same time and it's always my turn. For those of you that have read my blogs, you know that one of those games has ended. Game, set, match (wait, is that tennis?) Over and done... he has struck out and the lights are off! Greg and I are over. This game will not be restarted. The pins are all broken and cannot be replaced. It's the phrase ...

Greg and I are done, finished, never again, over, last time, concluded, chapter closed, terminated, it's time to move on and not look back! Why do men make this more difficult than it needs to be? Why are men so afraid of the truth? Do you think women can't handle the truth? Like we're not tough enough? Like your truth will break us? Like we're made of such fragile material that we can't handle or take the truth? I'm sorry, but we're women. We can handle more than you can and more than you give us credit for! Greg, did you think I would not figure it out? Did you think that I wouldn't see the pictures? Did you think you were protecting me by feeling me a line of bullshit? Did you think I would fall apart because you and I can't be together anymore? Did you really think that? Like I needed you? No sir! I don't need anyone. I need God and my family and my best friend! I don't need a man, I want a man. And from your actions, ...

For me! Could this song be any more appropriate for me in this moment? I moved into my new place on Saturday. It's the cutest little apartment ever! A one bedroom with a patio and fireplace! It's so me! It feels like home and I love it! Saturday morning, after a great rehearsal with John, Courtney and I went and lunched at Chipotle before attempting to move! She and I got one load in the truck over to the new place and another load in the truck. Dave, Adrian, and Scott showed up to help with the rest of it and the heavy stuff! They seriously are amazing men! Court and I would have been lost and broken without them on Saturday. They got my bedroom and washer and dryer over to the new place. Dave even got the washer hooked up. The dryer needs a new silver tube thing to make it work. Later in the evening, Chris showed up and helped with the last little bit. Courtney, Scott, and I have some beer and pizza while we set up my new bedroom. Scott brought me a gorgeous...

So, my "friend" (and I use that term loosely), the one that owes me about $200... oh, did she just make me angry! She told me a couple weeks ago that she would be unable to pay me right now because she has to pay for summer school. In March? Really? I'm not an idiot, but apparently she is. She commented or wrote on someone's wall that she was thankful that they bought her lunch (that's like 3 days now) and she's looking forward to the movies this weekend and the tattoo shop! Seriously? You're gonna spend the money you owe me on tats? Have you no respect? No dignity? No care or concern for what your word means? Does it not bother you that your word means nothing and that I have lost that much more respect for you? Does your reputation not concern you? After all the years we spent under the heading of "best friends", you throw it all away. I mean, you already kind of did with the Christmas dinner at Mi Cocina with your words. Yes, th...

I've decided something... I should start taking pictures again. I really enjoyed doing that. It was another creative outlet that had no rules or regulations. Everyone sees beauty in a different way and I liked what I saw and I love what I captured.

People that owe me money. Like almost $200! If you state that you will do something, then fall back on your word without a logical explanation, that angers me. Summer school? That's not even until the end of May and you're at TCC and you have a roommate! At least make an effort and make a payment. I'm having to borrow money to make ends meet. I had to borrow $150 from a friend, which was paid back IMMEDIATELY! I have now borrowed $300 from my job, which will be paid back in 2 installments. I'm not a difficult person to deal with. I'm actually a very understanding person. Just be honest and act like a grown up and pay! *steps off of soap box* Crap, maybe I should take my own advice with my debts. "Ye who is sinless, may cast the first stone." Curses.

There are only days left in the hell hole I currently live in. Days. And as I'm leaving this morning, there is a trash bag sitting inside next to the front door. Inside! Abby took the trash from the can, tied it up, replaced the bag, and then left it inside? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Could you not make the extra effort to walk it to the dumpster, which is on the way to your car? Are you kidding me? Are you 12? It seems like she knows this is a button she can push with me, so she is pushing it. Why would she want to make the last few days even more miserable for me? Does she not know what I'm going through with this and everything else right now? That's right, she doesn't. She won't talk to me. I'm ready for this to be over.

Yes, a new day. And I will find the little things today that make me happy. I will take this day one moment at a time. Except that, I may have caused myself to stumble a bit. I received my regular P90X newsletter this morning (yes, I too am a convert) and it contained a recipe for a grilled salmon burrito. This immediately made me think of Greg. (He likes salmon so much he puts it in his grits in the morning)! So, I forwarded him the email. He responded back. He hoped that I was having a lovely morning. This made me smile and subsequently look through the emails that he and I have corresponded with over the past several months. Yeah, I was so emotionally cutting. Why do I do that? I mean, I know I'm not the only one that does, but I seem to do it more frequently. Why do I want to feel pain? Do I need to feel pain to know I exist? I don't get it. Why intentionally hurt myself emotionally? I miss him.

Seems to be a roller coaster for me lately. I have several good things happening and a few not so good things happening. I feel like I'm out of control and walls are crashing in around me, but I stand firmly where I am. The debris and dust cloud my vision, but I can see light. My life feels like a contradiction at times. Let's start from about 2 years ago..... I was living at home, burnt out on theatre, relationship status: single, and felt like I was stagnant. I was. I was merely existing. Not the life I wanted for myself, nor the life I deserved. I knew that I wanted and needed more. I'm not sure of the day, but one day, I woke up and felt like things were changing; my feelings, my thoughts, my existence. I began to think about going back to school. I realized that theatre is my passion, not my paycheck. I wanted my ducks to be in a row so I would be ready for any relationship that God blessed me with. So, I sat down with my folks and told them my plan. I wa...

Well, I didn't win. It's ok though. The play I was in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" did win Best Play Non-Equity! YAY! Greg was an angel for wearing a suit and just being amazing the whole night. I felt so beautiful and loved that night! I presented Best Choreography with my dear friend, Darius! We had a Halle Berry/Adrian Brody moment on stage. I was Adrian Brody. LOL! The evening was a success! I spent the next day at the car shop getting my car inspected. That was fun... not, but I'm legal now.