The Break
For the few of you that do follow this blog, you may have noticed I haven't blogged in a long time and certain pictures have been removed. What I thought and felt was real, honest to goodness love (and part of me hopes it still is) at this point, isn't. Tommy and I have broken up and it feels over. I haven't blogged about it yet because I don't want to admit it's over... I don't want to. At this point, almost 2 months later, I need to get it off my chest and deal with the fact that we are over... for now or forever.
Kiss of the Spiderwoman opened April 1st. It was a packed house for opening and a fabulous after party. Tommy didn't make it; he was traveling. The next performance, I broke my foot after the opening number. I was making my exit and tripped over my feet, my costume, and someone else's foot and it turned and snapped. I knew I had broken it. By the time I got to my dressing room, it was swollen and red. I was broken, literally. I popped Ibuprofen and got ice. The director and stage manager wanted to call the show, but I wouldn't let them. I was going to finish. We cut all my dancing and I and the cast vamped my entrances and exits as the show went on. My boys were amazing and so awesome with it all! They were the stars of that performance. I texted Tommy during intermission to tell him about my foot and that I would be going to the ER after the performance. He became so angry with me because I didn't leave right then. I called him after the show and he wouldn't pick up the phone. My best friend came to the hospital to support me (thank you, Courtney). She was angry at Tommy for acting the way he was towards me. They both had reasons for being angry. Tommy texted me the next morning and we got into a HUGE fight. The last thing he said to me was, "I'm going to work. I can't do this right now." We didn't speak for the next week. I tried to communicate with him. I talked to my dad about it. He said just give him time. My mom said let him go. My best friends said he's being an asshole (which he kinda was). My head said walk. My heart said be patient. After meeting with an orthopedic surgeon, I texted him asking what he wanted. Did he want to fix this or did he want out? He said he'd let me know when he could come and get his things. Ouch. I think I physically felt my heart break. Work sucked that day. I didn't leave bed that weekend. The foot was the other reason for it. I think a week or so later I packed his things for him and put them all by the door. I couldn't have 'him' in my room anymore. I couldn't sleep. Dreams were all about him. Everything reminded me of him and us. After about 3 weeks, he finally said that he would be in town and be able to come and get his things. He came over and went through his things as I sat on the couch and watched him. We made small talk while he packed. The entire time I'm hoping he would say he was sorry, he did still love me, here's the reason I broke up with you, but nothing. He was finished and he hugged me and said he would stay in touch. He walked out of the door and I lost it. The second time I let that man walk out of my house/heart. I sat on the floor looking up to the sky asking "why"? I didn't understand what God was trying to teach me or help me see. After a few minutes of that, I pulled myself together and touched up my makeup to head back to work. As I'm driving, he texted me, "I'm sorry". I started again. He said that he couldn't do long distance and that I deserved better. He's right, but I would have made us work and dealt with it...
So, now, 2 months later... I haven't made any progress on the moving past him part. I have texted him twice now that I missed him to no response. We've had a couple short lived conversations about music and nothing else. No acknowledgment that he misses me too or still loves me or anything. I'm sure I'm wanting and hoping for more than he can or wants to give. I don't want to wait in vain, but I don't want to give up hope. I feel lost and broken... still. My chest hurts when I think of him or hear a song that reminds me of him. I unfriended him on Facebook because I couldn't have the temptation of seeing how he is in life or seeing him moving on with his life without me. I took down all our pictures because I can't see us without losing it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move on or if I even want to. I just don't know anything.
Now, Tommy and I are not the only things that broke in my life. Theatre and I have broken up as well. This is our second break up. Our first lasted 2 years. I feel this one will be longer. I have lost joy in it. The joy was sucked from my soul. I knew this when I took final bow to a packed house on their feet and felt nothing. I had no more. I was dead. I knew it was coming. I knew when I didn't have desire to be at rehearsals; they had become a chore. When I couldn't wait to get out of there; home was more appealing. I didn't push this show like I usually do; I didn't care about packed houses and people seeing me. I didn't want to tell this story. I knew it was over.
So, a broken foot... a broken heart... and a broken spirit. I'm starting all over again at the starting line. I'm not sure what direction to take; which path to follow. I don't know where to go. I feel as though my boundaries have been taken away and I can go any which way I want, but I'm overwhelmed by the amount of choices.
So what's next...
Kiss of the Spiderwoman opened April 1st. It was a packed house for opening and a fabulous after party. Tommy didn't make it; he was traveling. The next performance, I broke my foot after the opening number. I was making my exit and tripped over my feet, my costume, and someone else's foot and it turned and snapped. I knew I had broken it. By the time I got to my dressing room, it was swollen and red. I was broken, literally. I popped Ibuprofen and got ice. The director and stage manager wanted to call the show, but I wouldn't let them. I was going to finish. We cut all my dancing and I and the cast vamped my entrances and exits as the show went on. My boys were amazing and so awesome with it all! They were the stars of that performance. I texted Tommy during intermission to tell him about my foot and that I would be going to the ER after the performance. He became so angry with me because I didn't leave right then. I called him after the show and he wouldn't pick up the phone. My best friend came to the hospital to support me (thank you, Courtney). She was angry at Tommy for acting the way he was towards me. They both had reasons for being angry. Tommy texted me the next morning and we got into a HUGE fight. The last thing he said to me was, "I'm going to work. I can't do this right now." We didn't speak for the next week. I tried to communicate with him. I talked to my dad about it. He said just give him time. My mom said let him go. My best friends said he's being an asshole (which he kinda was). My head said walk. My heart said be patient. After meeting with an orthopedic surgeon, I texted him asking what he wanted. Did he want to fix this or did he want out? He said he'd let me know when he could come and get his things. Ouch. I think I physically felt my heart break. Work sucked that day. I didn't leave bed that weekend. The foot was the other reason for it. I think a week or so later I packed his things for him and put them all by the door. I couldn't have 'him' in my room anymore. I couldn't sleep. Dreams were all about him. Everything reminded me of him and us. After about 3 weeks, he finally said that he would be in town and be able to come and get his things. He came over and went through his things as I sat on the couch and watched him. We made small talk while he packed. The entire time I'm hoping he would say he was sorry, he did still love me, here's the reason I broke up with you, but nothing. He was finished and he hugged me and said he would stay in touch. He walked out of the door and I lost it. The second time I let that man walk out of my house/heart. I sat on the floor looking up to the sky asking "why"? I didn't understand what God was trying to teach me or help me see. After a few minutes of that, I pulled myself together and touched up my makeup to head back to work. As I'm driving, he texted me, "I'm sorry". I started again. He said that he couldn't do long distance and that I deserved better. He's right, but I would have made us work and dealt with it...
So, now, 2 months later... I haven't made any progress on the moving past him part. I have texted him twice now that I missed him to no response. We've had a couple short lived conversations about music and nothing else. No acknowledgment that he misses me too or still loves me or anything. I'm sure I'm wanting and hoping for more than he can or wants to give. I don't want to wait in vain, but I don't want to give up hope. I feel lost and broken... still. My chest hurts when I think of him or hear a song that reminds me of him. I unfriended him on Facebook because I couldn't have the temptation of seeing how he is in life or seeing him moving on with his life without me. I took down all our pictures because I can't see us without losing it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move on or if I even want to. I just don't know anything.
Now, Tommy and I are not the only things that broke in my life. Theatre and I have broken up as well. This is our second break up. Our first lasted 2 years. I feel this one will be longer. I have lost joy in it. The joy was sucked from my soul. I knew this when I took final bow to a packed house on their feet and felt nothing. I had no more. I was dead. I knew it was coming. I knew when I didn't have desire to be at rehearsals; they had become a chore. When I couldn't wait to get out of there; home was more appealing. I didn't push this show like I usually do; I didn't care about packed houses and people seeing me. I didn't want to tell this story. I knew it was over.
So, a broken foot... a broken heart... and a broken spirit. I'm starting all over again at the starting line. I'm not sure what direction to take; which path to follow. I don't know where to go. I feel as though my boundaries have been taken away and I can go any which way I want, but I'm overwhelmed by the amount of choices.
So what's next...
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