We are the Enablers, my friend... And we'll keep on fighting till the end.
This is a legit question I've been asking myself and my gal pals for the last several months. Hell, probably the last several years. Where are the real men? You know the type: confident, but not cocky; chivalrous and polite with a sense of pride in themselves that mirrors how men used to be before our time. Men who would make it a point to speak (physically) to a woman he found attractive or interesting. Men who would pursue a woman he was interested in dating; ask them to dinner, send flowers, walk them to the door after a date, simply tell them they are interested. They seemed genuinely interested, intrigued, and made the efforts to reveal it. They would do their hair and dress nice in order to make an impression. They would show up with flowers or something along those lines on a date. A time when holding hands was a big deal; the first kiss was an experience worth waiting for; men learned about their women; men were interested in pleasing (and not sexually) their women emotionally; sex was about making love; men made the first move; men pursued women. Hell, gentlemen used to stand up when a woman joined a table or excused herself, for example. It was inappropriate to see a woman in her nightgown if they weren’t married to her. Men would offer their chair if there was a woman standing near with nowhere to sit. Where did those men go? Where did that mentality go? And not just men, women too. Where did our sense of self worth evaporate to? When did our propriety vanish? When did it become ok to stop trying? When did first impressions lose their value? When did it become ok for men/women to be lazy? (Disclaimer: I know this does not pertain to all men/women. I'm speaking of a general male/female population.)
Today, women are faced with lazy men; that's the ultimate issue on this side of the coin. (Yes, I fully acknowledge there are 2 sides.) We find men who don't feel the need to pursue a woman; they wait for the woman to come to them. We find men who refuse to talk; women are generally left to do the majority of the communicating. We find men who can't/won't make simple decisions; they leave it up to the woman. We find men who want their woman to be independent and self sufficient creatures, yet, they feel an inner desire to dominate us emotionally/physically/sexually/mentally. Hypocritical much? They want what they want when they want it; screw a woman's schedule or priorities, not to mention feelings, needs, and desires. They won't do their hair; instead they cover it with a hat. They won't put much effort into their appearance under the heading of "they should like me for who I am". They barely acknowledge when we walk into a room. They don't compliment unless it's asked for or they want something in return. They won't try anymore. They won't take pride in themselves anymore. They won't make the effort to pursue a woman and win her heart. They don't want to work for it anymore; they want it to just come to them because they feel they deserve it. The craziest part of all that is they have the ability to make you believe this is how it’s supposed to be and we, as women, allow them to do this over and over and over again. We have enabled our men to be lazy.
I'm not saying that I'm exempt from this notion; I'm not in any way, shape, or form. I, like many other single women in our 30's who feel ready for a relationship, allow men to slide on their duties as single men and potential partners. Why? We see our friends, siblings, coworkers getting married or having babies and we feel stuck on the proverbial platform watching the train leave the station as if it's the last one to come our way. It’s even worse when they are younger than us; that causes some serious emotional/mental turmoil. Why? We have broken relationship after broken relationship and swear to ourselves “it will be different next time”, but still end up in a broken relationship…again. Why? Why do we settle for less than what we really deserve and why do we believe we don’t deserve it? Are we afraid the parade is really passing us by? Do we fear that our biological clocks have started to tick? Are we just afraid of ending up alone? Is this why we settle? Is this why we allow men to be lazy? Is this why we pursue instead of being pursued? Is this why we laugh off or strive to justify, to ourselves and our friends, men’s habitual laziness when it comes to dating? Why do we do this, for real? Why?
I remember a conversation I had a while ago with my best friend, Courtney. We were discussing this very topic (before she met her husband) and she told me about a study they were doing at her church for the single men’s group. I don’t remember the name of the study or all of the finer points, but I do remember her mentioning something about how lazy men have become in dating and how women allow them to act that way. When a man is dating a woman, this is his time to shine. This is his moment to put the best version of himself out there in order to win (and I say this in a non-degrading manner) the ultimate prize of a woman’s heart. On the flip side, women are to, in so many words, step back and let the man pursue her and try to win her heart. Men need to step up their game because this is the way that God intended it to be for us and women need to have a higher sense of self worth (both internally and sexually) because our bodies and our hearts are sacred instruments we should hold dear and close. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” God intended the man to work for a woman’s heart and to be rewarded with it. Maya Angelou said it well, “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man must seek Him in order to find it.” In today’s world and time, our hearts are not guarded anymore. Men don’t seek our hearts. They only seek what is convenient for them at that moment in time. The roles have completely reversed and we, as women, have allowed it to occur and men have taken advantage of us emotionally and left us in the dark.
Now, to my hardcore feminists out there, I realize that you’re shaking your head in disbelief that a woman like myself, who believes that women and men are to be equals, is even arguing the point of women needing to step back and not pursue men in today’s society. However, I argue because I believe this is how it should be today. It has nothing to do with being equals; it has everything to do with respect, love, honor, dignity, pride, and values within ourselves and our relationships. I believe a man should have to prove himself worthy of dating a woman, of dating me. A man should have to prove he’s worthy of dating me. Did I just say that? I did. Right there; the line above this one. Wow; ok, that was much easier typed than practiced in my own personal life. I mean, here I am blogging about this issue and yet I do not exercise it in my own life. And not to beat a dead horse to death, but it’s due to my own personal issues with self worth. I know, I know. Geez, how could I say that? UGH!! How could I think that I have self worth issues and use it as an excuse for my behavior? Let’s be very honest for a moment. Every woman, at some point or another, has had an issue with self worth. Hell, so have men. Some women are able to use it and grow from it and be better versions of themselves because of it. Others of us still struggle with it and in turn it causes havoc in our romantic life. I struggle every day with NOT pursuing a man. I battle with feelings of independence, abandonment, strength of character, and self control versus desires to be loved, romanced, provided for, and well, courted; not in the old fashioned sense of the word which includes chaperoned dates and ZERO physical contact, but in the sense of being pursued, sought after, and truly desired by a man. And to put it bluntly, I’m tired of doing all the work. I’m tired of being the one that starts every conversation. I’m tired of being the one who makes all the plans, drives all over the metroplex, and still pays for my own drinks at the end of the night. I’m tired of spending 10 extra minutes on my makeup and hair on the chance that I might see him tonight. I’m tired of feeling so excited at the possibility of seeing this guy I’m interested in and then plans fall through because of this lame excuse or that one. I’m tired of being the one to pursue them and yet I still do it.
How do we break this cycle? Is it a gradual process or can you just rip off the band-aid? Is there a little magic pill to take? How do we, as women, hold more stock in ourselves, our bodies, our hearts? You may say it’s a choice and I agree… to an extent. I believe we must choose to hold ourselves to a higher standard and choose what we allow and don’t. However, at the same time, we also need men to help us feel worthy. I’m about to explain, dear feminists, just breathe. Our entire self worth is not wrapped up in how many compliments a man pays us or how often he calls or what he does for us, but some of it absolutely is dependent upon those very facts. Don’t you smile a little bit bigger when you get a text from a guy you’re dating? Don’t your eyes sparkle a little brighter when he surprises you with your favorite coffee? Doesn’t your heart skip a beat when he’s waiting for you at your house with a flower because he knows you had a bad day? There is value for us in those magical moments. And that’s the other side of the coin. We put so much value on those magical moments (which should be regular practice) that we allow men to get lazy when dating us. “Oh, he got me coffee last week, he doesn’t need to pay for my drinks tonight.” “OMG girl, he just showed up with my favorite coffee. MAJOR BROWNIE POINTS. He’s totally excused from coming to my art show.” “He was so sweet to me when I got home after having a bad day, I guess I’ll have sex with him.” We do this ALL the time. WE ARE THE ENABLERS! It’s our fault the men have become lazy. Ok, not completely, but we must accept our part. It’s our choice to let them slide. It’s our choice to sleep with them. It’s our choice to justify their actions. It’s our choice to just deal with it. It’s also our choice to turn it around.
I include myself in the “enabler” group. I absolutely make excuses for the men I date. I try and spin their small efforts into larger one’s to justify staying with them or sleeping with them or being left in the dark. Even the total douche bags I’ve dated, I’ve excused their behaviors and actions (or lack thereof) numerous times. I allow them to come into my bed and share in something so precious that I should hold at such a higher value. I allow them to go days without communication to me after plans were softly made to hang out without consequence. I enable the men I date to be lazy. You receive the kind of love you deserve, right? If I was only able to change my own perceptions of myself and truly believe that I deserve something so much more than I’ve allowed myself to have in the past, then I might be blogging about what it feels like to fall in love with “the one”. Instead, I continue on this self revealing blog about how I think I’m ready for a relationship when, in fact, it appears I still have some things to work on inside my head.
Now, we can’t make 100% of the change, but we can change; change our attitudes, change our standards, change our choices. We have the ability (and the right, damn it) to demand more out of the men we date. Why? Because we deserve it. Say that to yourself: I deserve it. We deserve a man’s effort not his laziness. We deserve a man who will work for our hearts not expect it. We deserve a man who will strive to be the best version of himself and not a complacent, greasy haired, hat wearing, sweat stained, boy. We deserve a man who will fight for us not against us. We deserve a man who will prove his worth to us instead of psycho-babbling his way around the subject so we believe he is worthy. We deserve a man who knows that our bodies are sacred and respects it not men who try and sweet talk their way into your pants because they want to get laid. We deserve a man’s commitment. We deserve a man’s trust. We deserve a man’s unconditional love. After all, isn’t that the kind of man you want to be with for the rest of your life?
Today, women are faced with lazy men; that's the ultimate issue on this side of the coin. (Yes, I fully acknowledge there are 2 sides.) We find men who don't feel the need to pursue a woman; they wait for the woman to come to them. We find men who refuse to talk; women are generally left to do the majority of the communicating. We find men who can't/won't make simple decisions; they leave it up to the woman. We find men who want their woman to be independent and self sufficient creatures, yet, they feel an inner desire to dominate us emotionally/physically/sexually/mentally. Hypocritical much? They want what they want when they want it; screw a woman's schedule or priorities, not to mention feelings, needs, and desires. They won't do their hair; instead they cover it with a hat. They won't put much effort into their appearance under the heading of "they should like me for who I am". They barely acknowledge when we walk into a room. They don't compliment unless it's asked for or they want something in return. They won't try anymore. They won't take pride in themselves anymore. They won't make the effort to pursue a woman and win her heart. They don't want to work for it anymore; they want it to just come to them because they feel they deserve it. The craziest part of all that is they have the ability to make you believe this is how it’s supposed to be and we, as women, allow them to do this over and over and over again. We have enabled our men to be lazy.
I'm not saying that I'm exempt from this notion; I'm not in any way, shape, or form. I, like many other single women in our 30's who feel ready for a relationship, allow men to slide on their duties as single men and potential partners. Why? We see our friends, siblings, coworkers getting married or having babies and we feel stuck on the proverbial platform watching the train leave the station as if it's the last one to come our way. It’s even worse when they are younger than us; that causes some serious emotional/mental turmoil. Why? We have broken relationship after broken relationship and swear to ourselves “it will be different next time”, but still end up in a broken relationship…again. Why? Why do we settle for less than what we really deserve and why do we believe we don’t deserve it? Are we afraid the parade is really passing us by? Do we fear that our biological clocks have started to tick? Are we just afraid of ending up alone? Is this why we settle? Is this why we allow men to be lazy? Is this why we pursue instead of being pursued? Is this why we laugh off or strive to justify, to ourselves and our friends, men’s habitual laziness when it comes to dating? Why do we do this, for real? Why?
I remember a conversation I had a while ago with my best friend, Courtney. We were discussing this very topic (before she met her husband) and she told me about a study they were doing at her church for the single men’s group. I don’t remember the name of the study or all of the finer points, but I do remember her mentioning something about how lazy men have become in dating and how women allow them to act that way. When a man is dating a woman, this is his time to shine. This is his moment to put the best version of himself out there in order to win (and I say this in a non-degrading manner) the ultimate prize of a woman’s heart. On the flip side, women are to, in so many words, step back and let the man pursue her and try to win her heart. Men need to step up their game because this is the way that God intended it to be for us and women need to have a higher sense of self worth (both internally and sexually) because our bodies and our hearts are sacred instruments we should hold dear and close. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” God intended the man to work for a woman’s heart and to be rewarded with it. Maya Angelou said it well, “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man must seek Him in order to find it.” In today’s world and time, our hearts are not guarded anymore. Men don’t seek our hearts. They only seek what is convenient for them at that moment in time. The roles have completely reversed and we, as women, have allowed it to occur and men have taken advantage of us emotionally and left us in the dark.
Now, to my hardcore feminists out there, I realize that you’re shaking your head in disbelief that a woman like myself, who believes that women and men are to be equals, is even arguing the point of women needing to step back and not pursue men in today’s society. However, I argue because I believe this is how it should be today. It has nothing to do with being equals; it has everything to do with respect, love, honor, dignity, pride, and values within ourselves and our relationships. I believe a man should have to prove himself worthy of dating a woman, of dating me. A man should have to prove he’s worthy of dating me. Did I just say that? I did. Right there; the line above this one. Wow; ok, that was much easier typed than practiced in my own personal life. I mean, here I am blogging about this issue and yet I do not exercise it in my own life. And not to beat a dead horse to death, but it’s due to my own personal issues with self worth. I know, I know. Geez, how could I say that? UGH!! How could I think that I have self worth issues and use it as an excuse for my behavior? Let’s be very honest for a moment. Every woman, at some point or another, has had an issue with self worth. Hell, so have men. Some women are able to use it and grow from it and be better versions of themselves because of it. Others of us still struggle with it and in turn it causes havoc in our romantic life. I struggle every day with NOT pursuing a man. I battle with feelings of independence, abandonment, strength of character, and self control versus desires to be loved, romanced, provided for, and well, courted; not in the old fashioned sense of the word which includes chaperoned dates and ZERO physical contact, but in the sense of being pursued, sought after, and truly desired by a man. And to put it bluntly, I’m tired of doing all the work. I’m tired of being the one that starts every conversation. I’m tired of being the one who makes all the plans, drives all over the metroplex, and still pays for my own drinks at the end of the night. I’m tired of spending 10 extra minutes on my makeup and hair on the chance that I might see him tonight. I’m tired of feeling so excited at the possibility of seeing this guy I’m interested in and then plans fall through because of this lame excuse or that one. I’m tired of being the one to pursue them and yet I still do it.
How do we break this cycle? Is it a gradual process or can you just rip off the band-aid? Is there a little magic pill to take? How do we, as women, hold more stock in ourselves, our bodies, our hearts? You may say it’s a choice and I agree… to an extent. I believe we must choose to hold ourselves to a higher standard and choose what we allow and don’t. However, at the same time, we also need men to help us feel worthy. I’m about to explain, dear feminists, just breathe. Our entire self worth is not wrapped up in how many compliments a man pays us or how often he calls or what he does for us, but some of it absolutely is dependent upon those very facts. Don’t you smile a little bit bigger when you get a text from a guy you’re dating? Don’t your eyes sparkle a little brighter when he surprises you with your favorite coffee? Doesn’t your heart skip a beat when he’s waiting for you at your house with a flower because he knows you had a bad day? There is value for us in those magical moments. And that’s the other side of the coin. We put so much value on those magical moments (which should be regular practice) that we allow men to get lazy when dating us. “Oh, he got me coffee last week, he doesn’t need to pay for my drinks tonight.” “OMG girl, he just showed up with my favorite coffee. MAJOR BROWNIE POINTS. He’s totally excused from coming to my art show.” “He was so sweet to me when I got home after having a bad day, I guess I’ll have sex with him.” We do this ALL the time. WE ARE THE ENABLERS! It’s our fault the men have become lazy. Ok, not completely, but we must accept our part. It’s our choice to let them slide. It’s our choice to sleep with them. It’s our choice to justify their actions. It’s our choice to just deal with it. It’s also our choice to turn it around.
I include myself in the “enabler” group. I absolutely make excuses for the men I date. I try and spin their small efforts into larger one’s to justify staying with them or sleeping with them or being left in the dark. Even the total douche bags I’ve dated, I’ve excused their behaviors and actions (or lack thereof) numerous times. I allow them to come into my bed and share in something so precious that I should hold at such a higher value. I allow them to go days without communication to me after plans were softly made to hang out without consequence. I enable the men I date to be lazy. You receive the kind of love you deserve, right? If I was only able to change my own perceptions of myself and truly believe that I deserve something so much more than I’ve allowed myself to have in the past, then I might be blogging about what it feels like to fall in love with “the one”. Instead, I continue on this self revealing blog about how I think I’m ready for a relationship when, in fact, it appears I still have some things to work on inside my head.
Now, we can’t make 100% of the change, but we can change; change our attitudes, change our standards, change our choices. We have the ability (and the right, damn it) to demand more out of the men we date. Why? Because we deserve it. Say that to yourself: I deserve it. We deserve a man’s effort not his laziness. We deserve a man who will work for our hearts not expect it. We deserve a man who will strive to be the best version of himself and not a complacent, greasy haired, hat wearing, sweat stained, boy. We deserve a man who will fight for us not against us. We deserve a man who will prove his worth to us instead of psycho-babbling his way around the subject so we believe he is worthy. We deserve a man who knows that our bodies are sacred and respects it not men who try and sweet talk their way into your pants because they want to get laid. We deserve a man’s commitment. We deserve a man’s trust. We deserve a man’s unconditional love. After all, isn’t that the kind of man you want to be with for the rest of your life?
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