Life...as I know it.
Seems to be a roller coaster for me lately. I have several good things happening and a few not so good things happening. I feel like I'm out of control and walls are crashing in around me, but I stand firmly where I am. The debris and dust cloud my vision, but I can see light. My life feels like a contradiction at times.
Let's start from about 2 years ago.....
I was living at home, burnt out on theatre, relationship status: single, and felt like I was stagnant. I was. I was merely existing. Not the life I wanted for myself, nor the life I deserved. I knew that I wanted and needed more. I'm not sure of the day, but one day, I woke up and felt like things were changing; my feelings, my thoughts, my existence. I began to think about going back to school. I realized that theatre is my passion, not my paycheck. I wanted my ducks to be in a row so I would be ready for any relationship that God blessed me with. So, I sat down with my folks and told them my plan. I was out in an apartment a few months later. I was by myself. No one to depend on, but me. It was scary at first, lonely at times, but the most amazing experience I have ever had. I was at peace. Financially, I was broke, but I was at peace. I started looking into what it would take to get back to school and was subsequently accepted to Dallas Baptist University. I came back to theatre about a year later and did "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas". It was the most amazing and fun show. It reminded me why I do this; why I'm an actor. There was no drama in the cast, we all loved each other and what we did. I met some fantastic people and reconnected with others. Through one girl in the show, I was introduced to one of the best things that has ever happened in my life. Miss Courtney Brown! She was friends with one of the gals in the show and came to a cast party with her one night, Valentine's Day 2009. We became friends on Facebook, chatted here and there. One evening, I had a date. I waited for this date to get off work. I waited 3 hours for this date. This date never occurred. I was laying on my bed, trying not to cry and feel sorry for myself when my phone rang. It was Courtney. "Hey, I got out of class early, wanna have dinner?" "Why yes, yes I do!" We met at Razzoo's and the rest is history. The bond we somehow in the span of a few hours made will last my lifetime and beyond. She is the best friend I have been craving. The one I searched for and through many failed friendships found. The timing was all God and the both of us recognized it immediately! I cannot imagine my life now without her, nor have I figured out how I survived all those years without her. She is my rock and I am hers. She is my shoulder and I am hers. She is my conscious and I am hers. She is a hug and I am hers. She is a part of my heart and I am a part of hers!
Fast forward to about November 2009.......
I met a guy about 5 years ago named Greg. We found each other at Starbucks. He was a cute customer and I was newly single. We attempted to date then, but I was foolishly not over my ex. We remained friends. A few years later, we tried again. We spent an amazing weekend together and we were going for it. He disappeared. I searched and tried and found nothing. For 2 years I did this, but to no avail. In 2009 I dated 2 guys; Greg Hullett and Jeff Husketh. They were both too immature and we will leave it at that. Around November 4th, I received an email. It was from my Greg. Out of the blue, I get an email. He had been in prison again for the last 2 years and was unable to contact me. He wanted to see how I was and to explain to me that I was not at fault for the silence. He was sure I was married with children by that point, but alas, I wasn't. We started speaking every day and a couple weeks later met up for the first time in 2 years. He looked so good and the flood of feelings I had for him came rushing back in an instant! We started dating again. This was not the smartest idea we've ever had. We both knew we shouldn't have started this back up again while he was in the process of rebuilding himself, rediscovering himself, finding himself. Well, through many tears last night, we agreed that this was not the right time for us to be together. Right now, Greg needs to focus on Greg. He needs to be happy before he can hope to make me happy. He needs to get his ducks in a row! He said that he doesn't want to lose me. I told him I was not going anywhere and that I still cared for him like I always have. It was hard for both of us, but I know, right now, it's for the best. He knows it too. It's hard to let someone go that you love, but who knows what the future holds for him, for me, for us. Only time will tell at this point. So, I'm letting God take over this one. I'm not good at patience, but the time has come I really learn it.
Back up a moment to the end of last year again..........
Since financially, I was broke living on my own and my sister was the same way, we came up with the bright idea to live together. This was the biggest mistake we could have ever made. Just as our relationship was becoming closer and we were more like sisters, we went and put pressure and strain on it. We moved in together on January 15th. Mind you, this was 2 days after I was robbed! Another blog, another time. For the first few weeks, things were good. We were hanging out and being sisters. Well, things started progressing downhill and fast. Abby was fading away from me. Many issues from our past were surfacing and she was refusing to deal with them in a healthy, mature way. I noticed the downfall and thought I could save her. I was wrong. Very wrong. We had a conversation one night in which I mentioned to her that she needed to think about seeing a therapist. Hindsight: not the smartest idea. Well, after the Column's, things dive bombed from bad to worse. I came home one afternoon, knowing I had a short fuse and wanting to avoid conflict, and headed straight for my room. Moments later, a huge fight broke out. The result: me searching for other living options in order to attempt to preserve what relationship we had left. I move out on April 1st and will be back in a one bedroom. My sister will not speak to me, nor will she even acknowledge me. She sees no hope or chance of us recovering from this. At this point, if she does not get help, I agree. I feel so lost when it comes to her.
Fast forward to the present................
I am currently in the middle of packing, learning a bajillion lines for Much Ado About Nothing, trying to focus on school, struggling with money for this move, learning to let go of love and not have it affect my emotions while in public, yearning to know what God is trying to teach me, pushing myself at work to prove that I am an excellent employee, slowing my life down, and remaining thankful that my family and my friends are there to support me and love me through all this.
So, as you can see, there are many positives in my life along with some pretty large negatives. The negatives are not permanent, I know, but they still hurt. I know that God will not give me anything I can't handle, so I know that I will be alright in the end and that much stronger. I just wish I knew what He was trying to tell me or teach me. So, I will continue to breathe in and out, put one foot in front of the other, take every day one moment at a time, and love with every piece of my heart.
Let's start from about 2 years ago.....
I was living at home, burnt out on theatre, relationship status: single, and felt like I was stagnant. I was. I was merely existing. Not the life I wanted for myself, nor the life I deserved. I knew that I wanted and needed more. I'm not sure of the day, but one day, I woke up and felt like things were changing; my feelings, my thoughts, my existence. I began to think about going back to school. I realized that theatre is my passion, not my paycheck. I wanted my ducks to be in a row so I would be ready for any relationship that God blessed me with. So, I sat down with my folks and told them my plan. I was out in an apartment a few months later. I was by myself. No one to depend on, but me. It was scary at first, lonely at times, but the most amazing experience I have ever had. I was at peace. Financially, I was broke, but I was at peace. I started looking into what it would take to get back to school and was subsequently accepted to Dallas Baptist University. I came back to theatre about a year later and did "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas". It was the most amazing and fun show. It reminded me why I do this; why I'm an actor. There was no drama in the cast, we all loved each other and what we did. I met some fantastic people and reconnected with others. Through one girl in the show, I was introduced to one of the best things that has ever happened in my life. Miss Courtney Brown! She was friends with one of the gals in the show and came to a cast party with her one night, Valentine's Day 2009. We became friends on Facebook, chatted here and there. One evening, I had a date. I waited for this date to get off work. I waited 3 hours for this date. This date never occurred. I was laying on my bed, trying not to cry and feel sorry for myself when my phone rang. It was Courtney. "Hey, I got out of class early, wanna have dinner?" "Why yes, yes I do!" We met at Razzoo's and the rest is history. The bond we somehow in the span of a few hours made will last my lifetime and beyond. She is the best friend I have been craving. The one I searched for and through many failed friendships found. The timing was all God and the both of us recognized it immediately! I cannot imagine my life now without her, nor have I figured out how I survived all those years without her. She is my rock and I am hers. She is my shoulder and I am hers. She is my conscious and I am hers. She is a hug and I am hers. She is a part of my heart and I am a part of hers!
Fast forward to about November 2009.......
I met a guy about 5 years ago named Greg. We found each other at Starbucks. He was a cute customer and I was newly single. We attempted to date then, but I was foolishly not over my ex. We remained friends. A few years later, we tried again. We spent an amazing weekend together and we were going for it. He disappeared. I searched and tried and found nothing. For 2 years I did this, but to no avail. In 2009 I dated 2 guys; Greg Hullett and Jeff Husketh. They were both too immature and we will leave it at that. Around November 4th, I received an email. It was from my Greg. Out of the blue, I get an email. He had been in prison again for the last 2 years and was unable to contact me. He wanted to see how I was and to explain to me that I was not at fault for the silence. He was sure I was married with children by that point, but alas, I wasn't. We started speaking every day and a couple weeks later met up for the first time in 2 years. He looked so good and the flood of feelings I had for him came rushing back in an instant! We started dating again. This was not the smartest idea we've ever had. We both knew we shouldn't have started this back up again while he was in the process of rebuilding himself, rediscovering himself, finding himself. Well, through many tears last night, we agreed that this was not the right time for us to be together. Right now, Greg needs to focus on Greg. He needs to be happy before he can hope to make me happy. He needs to get his ducks in a row! He said that he doesn't want to lose me. I told him I was not going anywhere and that I still cared for him like I always have. It was hard for both of us, but I know, right now, it's for the best. He knows it too. It's hard to let someone go that you love, but who knows what the future holds for him, for me, for us. Only time will tell at this point. So, I'm letting God take over this one. I'm not good at patience, but the time has come I really learn it.
Back up a moment to the end of last year again..........
Since financially, I was broke living on my own and my sister was the same way, we came up with the bright idea to live together. This was the biggest mistake we could have ever made. Just as our relationship was becoming closer and we were more like sisters, we went and put pressure and strain on it. We moved in together on January 15th. Mind you, this was 2 days after I was robbed! Another blog, another time. For the first few weeks, things were good. We were hanging out and being sisters. Well, things started progressing downhill and fast. Abby was fading away from me. Many issues from our past were surfacing and she was refusing to deal with them in a healthy, mature way. I noticed the downfall and thought I could save her. I was wrong. Very wrong. We had a conversation one night in which I mentioned to her that she needed to think about seeing a therapist. Hindsight: not the smartest idea. Well, after the Column's, things dive bombed from bad to worse. I came home one afternoon, knowing I had a short fuse and wanting to avoid conflict, and headed straight for my room. Moments later, a huge fight broke out. The result: me searching for other living options in order to attempt to preserve what relationship we had left. I move out on April 1st and will be back in a one bedroom. My sister will not speak to me, nor will she even acknowledge me. She sees no hope or chance of us recovering from this. At this point, if she does not get help, I agree. I feel so lost when it comes to her.
Fast forward to the present................
I am currently in the middle of packing, learning a bajillion lines for Much Ado About Nothing, trying to focus on school, struggling with money for this move, learning to let go of love and not have it affect my emotions while in public, yearning to know what God is trying to teach me, pushing myself at work to prove that I am an excellent employee, slowing my life down, and remaining thankful that my family and my friends are there to support me and love me through all this.
So, as you can see, there are many positives in my life along with some pretty large negatives. The negatives are not permanent, I know, but they still hurt. I know that God will not give me anything I can't handle, so I know that I will be alright in the end and that much stronger. I just wish I knew what He was trying to tell me or teach me. So, I will continue to breathe in and out, put one foot in front of the other, take every day one moment at a time, and love with every piece of my heart.
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