Overwhelmed

I don't even know what to say, but I know that I'm feeling overwhelmed and need to release or decompress... I don't know. I just have to talk. As scattered and jibberish and repetitive as it may be, I just need to get words out. I'd rather word vomit than actually vomit; even though that's what I feel like doing.

I know I ended things beween us for a reason. A good reason. It's the best thing for the both of us. I know this. I just feel like I can't handle the pain that's coming with it. You told me before you left to let my friends help me. I'm trying. I don't want to involve so many people becuase then I just have to relive that day over and over again. I can't handle that. I feel like I can't handle this.

I've been praying. I've been asking God to reveal something to me. I've asked that He remind me that I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing, but I'm slipping into not believing it. Did I really do the right thing? Or did I just get out before things got hard? He's about to move and not be around all the time. I know I don't do well with long distance relationships. Did I make something that was insignificant into something bigger to justify running? Am I running?

I don't feel like I'm running. I don't feel like I created something to justify my actions. I didn't want to end things with him. I didn't. I just knew somewhere inside of me that I had to. I feel like I faced this one head on. I stood there with my feet on the ground and allowed myself to be completely honest and vulnerable. I loved/love him unconditionally... or did I? Were there conditions to my love? Is there really such a thing as unconditional love when it comes to romantic relationships? Don't we all have conditions?

Why am I so conflicted? I was so sure when I was ending things with him that I was doing the right thing. Why am I now questioning my motives and actions? Is this apart of the process?

This morning, while I was drying my hair, I looked up and saw some song lyrics that I had printed out. They were from a song titled Close Your Eyes by Dave Barnes. My eyes landed on one particular part of the song:
Love, it can break your heart, but that's where real love starts. Trust me, I'll show you. I'll be all you need, close your eyes, just believe.
Well, my heart is broken. I had real love. I still have real love for him. Was this just a step closer to what He has in store for me? Was this just another trial I'm supposed to learn from?

If so, that feels very mean. Like a practical joke. I'm teasing you with real love, but it's not the real real love I have for you. I need to learn from this to take into your next relationship, which may or may not be the one! HAHAHAHA! Why tease at all? Why not just teach in some other way that doesn't hurt as much?

Maybe I should start walking again. Or start meditating again. Maybe I should go back to church. I just know I can't handle all this by myself. So, I'm asking for help...