Today is not any easier...
Not even a little bit. I keep seeing little reminders of him all over my apartment. I lost it in the shower this morning. I laid in bed till just after 8 this morning... so I gained 10 minutes of my life back today than from yesterday. Some would call that progress. I call it still being late for work; which I hate going to right now. I have to put on a happy face in order to avoid talking about why we broke up over and over and over. I know if I talked about it, I would just lose it over and over and I just don't have the energy to do that. I don't even feel like I have to energy to exist right now.
I cried the whole way home last night. I just wanted to call him and tell him to forget everything I said and to come over and we would figure it out as we went along. I just wanted to be in his arms and have him tell me it would all be ok, that he still loves me, and that he misses me and he's miserable without me. I know that would not do either of us any good. It's the easy option, the easy way out. I would hate myself and resent him and he would resent me and we would not be happy. We would be content and staginant and that's no way to be in a relationship.
I had a daydream that he texted me to ask me how I was. I asked him if he wanted the truth or what I was planning to say to him if he ever asked. He said both. I said I was planning to tell you that I'm hurting, but I'm ok. Then he asked what the truth was. I said I was miserable and heartbroken. I cry all the time, haven't cleaned my apartment, I go to sleep early and wake up constantly thinking you're there and you're not, I put on a brave face at work when I just want to sit and cry, I think I hear your car all the time in front of my building and find myself consistently looking out the window, I wrap my body pillow around me and attempt to make myself believe it's your arms around me, I kiss my pillows because they still smell like you, I talk to you like you're there and ask you to talk to me and you don't. So, if that's any indication of where I am and how I'm doing, you now know.
Last night, I heard what I thought was your car and I got up and looked out the window. It wasn't you. Then I heard a guitar playing outside. My head immediately went to Say Anything. I thought you were trying to get me back and had brought your guitar over and you were playing outside and making a fool of yourself for me. It wasn't you. It was my neighbor. Asshole. I wanted to rip the guitar from him and throw it down the stairs.
I still have your sweatshirt. It's been washed and is sitting at the top of my closet. I haven't taken it down to look at it, but I know it's there. Sitting there. Like my heart. It's just sitting there. Broken, dirty. I want to clean it and put it back together, but if I do that I feel that I didn't mourn you long enough; that you will really be gone if I'm back together. I can't do it. I feel every pang, and twinge, and cut, and break, and kick, and toss, and grasp. I feel it all and it hurts everytime. It doesn't get easier. It's like it gets harder. I still can't breathe deeply without effort. I catch myself holding my breath as if to ease the pain in some way. It doesn't.
I found myself talking to you last night around 3am when I inexplicably woke up. I snuggled up to the pillow closer and asked you how your day was. You answered in my head. We held a conversation until I fell back asleep. I found myself talking to the you that I know you can be. The idea of you. The man I need. It's not who you are now. I know that. You may be that man one day. You may not. It breaks my heart more to think that you may not be.
I was talking with my best friend last night and came up with some imagery that helped me see the big picture. I'm a big picture person. I pictured a board game. Much like LIFE, the game. You and I were at the starting line. We took the first step and started dating. Then we took another step and made "us" official. Then another step and fell in love with each other. Then we stopped. I wanted to move forward and you were content to stay there and finish your episode of Fringe or NCIS or House. I wanted to keep going because that's who I am. Ambitious, forward moving and thinking, I don't stop. You would talk about the spaces ahead (marriage, family) and I wanted to take the steps in between where we were and where we both wanted to be and you wanted to wait for it to come to you. You didn't realize the board doesn't change; we do. Then, you were offered an amazing opprotunity to take a ride on the train to the next huge phase of your life. You have stepped up from the kiddie train and have been offered a ticket on the adult train. You wanted me to come with you not realizing that I've already taken that ride. I packed your bags and put you on it. I broke my heart and yours in the process, but I know this is what is best for you. Right now, where you are in your life, this is what you need to do and experience. You are about to embrace the next big part of your life; your adult life. I will watch from the platform as the train takes off and be grateful for what we had and know that what we had was real. You will be gone, officially. I will not stay on that platform waiting for you. I won't stop my life in hopes that you will come back to me. If I did, you would be different and I would be the same and it still wouldn't work. I have to continue to grow just like you. You're on a speeding train and I'm walking and that's exactly what it needs to be.
Who knows what the future holds for us, but I'm looking forward to the day that I feel nothing but gratitude for what we had. Right now, all I feel is hurt and heartbreak.
Come back to bed and tell me it's going to be ok.
I cried the whole way home last night. I just wanted to call him and tell him to forget everything I said and to come over and we would figure it out as we went along. I just wanted to be in his arms and have him tell me it would all be ok, that he still loves me, and that he misses me and he's miserable without me. I know that would not do either of us any good. It's the easy option, the easy way out. I would hate myself and resent him and he would resent me and we would not be happy. We would be content and staginant and that's no way to be in a relationship.
I had a daydream that he texted me to ask me how I was. I asked him if he wanted the truth or what I was planning to say to him if he ever asked. He said both. I said I was planning to tell you that I'm hurting, but I'm ok. Then he asked what the truth was. I said I was miserable and heartbroken. I cry all the time, haven't cleaned my apartment, I go to sleep early and wake up constantly thinking you're there and you're not, I put on a brave face at work when I just want to sit and cry, I think I hear your car all the time in front of my building and find myself consistently looking out the window, I wrap my body pillow around me and attempt to make myself believe it's your arms around me, I kiss my pillows because they still smell like you, I talk to you like you're there and ask you to talk to me and you don't. So, if that's any indication of where I am and how I'm doing, you now know.
Last night, I heard what I thought was your car and I got up and looked out the window. It wasn't you. Then I heard a guitar playing outside. My head immediately went to Say Anything. I thought you were trying to get me back and had brought your guitar over and you were playing outside and making a fool of yourself for me. It wasn't you. It was my neighbor. Asshole. I wanted to rip the guitar from him and throw it down the stairs.
I still have your sweatshirt. It's been washed and is sitting at the top of my closet. I haven't taken it down to look at it, but I know it's there. Sitting there. Like my heart. It's just sitting there. Broken, dirty. I want to clean it and put it back together, but if I do that I feel that I didn't mourn you long enough; that you will really be gone if I'm back together. I can't do it. I feel every pang, and twinge, and cut, and break, and kick, and toss, and grasp. I feel it all and it hurts everytime. It doesn't get easier. It's like it gets harder. I still can't breathe deeply without effort. I catch myself holding my breath as if to ease the pain in some way. It doesn't.
I found myself talking to you last night around 3am when I inexplicably woke up. I snuggled up to the pillow closer and asked you how your day was. You answered in my head. We held a conversation until I fell back asleep. I found myself talking to the you that I know you can be. The idea of you. The man I need. It's not who you are now. I know that. You may be that man one day. You may not. It breaks my heart more to think that you may not be.
I was talking with my best friend last night and came up with some imagery that helped me see the big picture. I'm a big picture person. I pictured a board game. Much like LIFE, the game. You and I were at the starting line. We took the first step and started dating. Then we took another step and made "us" official. Then another step and fell in love with each other. Then we stopped. I wanted to move forward and you were content to stay there and finish your episode of Fringe or NCIS or House. I wanted to keep going because that's who I am. Ambitious, forward moving and thinking, I don't stop. You would talk about the spaces ahead (marriage, family) and I wanted to take the steps in between where we were and where we both wanted to be and you wanted to wait for it to come to you. You didn't realize the board doesn't change; we do. Then, you were offered an amazing opprotunity to take a ride on the train to the next huge phase of your life. You have stepped up from the kiddie train and have been offered a ticket on the adult train. You wanted me to come with you not realizing that I've already taken that ride. I packed your bags and put you on it. I broke my heart and yours in the process, but I know this is what is best for you. Right now, where you are in your life, this is what you need to do and experience. You are about to embrace the next big part of your life; your adult life. I will watch from the platform as the train takes off and be grateful for what we had and know that what we had was real. You will be gone, officially. I will not stay on that platform waiting for you. I won't stop my life in hopes that you will come back to me. If I did, you would be different and I would be the same and it still wouldn't work. I have to continue to grow just like you. You're on a speeding train and I'm walking and that's exactly what it needs to be.
Who knows what the future holds for us, but I'm looking forward to the day that I feel nothing but gratitude for what we had. Right now, all I feel is hurt and heartbreak.
Come back to bed and tell me it's going to be ok.
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