My Singin' Legs

When nothing makes sense? When you can't seem to do anything right? When you feel things slipping away? When all you need to do is make some hot cocoa, curl up on the couch with your girlfriends, and watch funny movies and just laugh the day away as if it doesn't exist? When you feel restless? Like you're barely getting by in your life? Like you're suffocating just sitting still? Like if you could just get outta here you could breathe? Like you're not alive at all? When you strike out again? When you continue to fight for something that doesn't seem to fight back for you? When your energy and strength has been completely depleted and you have no fight left in you? Where you feel like you've lost all hope that it will happen for you? Today feels like that day.

My first hint was a couple Saturday's ago. We had dinner plans with Nick and Courtney. We met Courtney at the store to gather the rest of what we needed and then Court and I were gonna cook and the boys could meet. Considering the last 2 guys I dated that met Nick turned out to be shams and Nick questioning why I date men that are lesser individuals than I am and are not intellectually on my level, I was sure this one would change that theory. He was very intelligent and loved to debate. So, we get inside and start cooking; Court and I did. The boys hung out in the kitchen with us. Nick put on some music and then we started a conversation because there was awkward silence and Court and I were just talking about girl stuff, like you do. So, we changed the subject to try and get conversations flowing with all of us. We talked about movies and Tommy complained often about how long dinner was taking. We finally sat down and enjoyed the meal; delicious. Then, when all were done, Court a...

I don't even know what to say, but I know that I'm feeling overwhelmed and need to release or decompress... I don't know. I just have to talk. As scattered and jibberish and repetitive as it may be, I just need to get words out. I'd rather word vomit than actually vomit; even though that's what I feel like doing. I know I ended things beween us for a reason. A good reason. It's the best thing for the both of us. I know this. I just feel like I can't handle the pain that's coming with it. You told me before you left to let my friends help me. I'm trying. I don't want to involve so many people becuase then I just have to relive that day over and over again. I can't handle that. I feel like I can't handle this. I've been praying. I've been asking God to reveal something to me. I've asked that He remind me that I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing, but I'm slipping into not believing it. Did...

I just saw that he starts training for his new job on the 15th, officially. Then he will find out where he is moving by the 18th. Stay on brave face... don't falter... please don't falter.

Not even a little bit. I keep seeing little reminders of him all over my apartment. I lost it in the shower this morning. I laid in bed till just after 8 this morning... so I gained 10 minutes of my life back today than from yesterday. Some would call that progress. I call it still being late for work; which I hate going to right now. I have to put on a happy face in order to avoid talking about why we broke up over and over and over. I know if I talked about it, I would just lose it over and over and I just don't have the energy to do that. I don't even feel like I have to energy to exist right now. I cried the whole way home last night. I just wanted to call him and tell him to forget everything I said and to come over and we would figure it out as we went along. I just wanted to be in his arms and have him tell me it would all be ok, that he still loves me, and that he misses me and he's miserable without me. I know that would not do either of us any good. It...

I can't even begin to describe how much this sucks. I haven't felt like this in so long and I remember why I close myself off to it. This. This feeling. These emotions. I'm literally not sure how I'm holding myself together right now. How do I get through this? Lean on your friends, he said. I broke his heart. I watched myself do it. It was the most adult thing I've ever done; along with the hardest thing I've ever done. I let go. I let love go. I had to. There was no other choice. I feel a hole in my chest. I breathe to fill it in and it gets bigger. I fight back tears and more seem to come. I sqeeze myself harder and all I feel are his arms around me. I try not to think about it and focus on work and then find myself blogging because I can't hold it in anymore. How in the hell did I expect to work today? It was real. It still is. I know, without a single doubt, that I'm in love with him. I love him. I know that he loves me to...

So everyone tends to have the obligatory New Year's resolutions of lose weight, quit smoking, save money, blah blah blah. We never keep them. We have initial good intentions and may hit the gym for a month or so, but then we get back into the swing of things and those resolutions that you swore this year you would actually stick with have gone right out the window. I've decided to make one resolution this year; not to promise to do something, but actually do something. I quit smoking back in late February of 2010 while I was performing in Much Ado About Nothing because my co-star didn't smoke and I wanted to be respectful. It stuck and thank God it did. I've not been more happy about being a non smoker before. My teeth look better, I don't smell gross, I can breathe deeply without coughing, and my singing voice has been greatly improved since I have deprived it of its daily poison. I can't even imagine how much money I have saved! Hell, I don't eve...