It hurts... so much.

I can't even begin to describe how much this sucks. I haven't felt like this in so long and I remember why I close myself off to it. This. This feeling. These emotions. I'm literally not sure how I'm holding myself together right now. How do I get through this? Lean on your friends, he said. I broke his heart. I watched myself do it. It was the most adult thing I've ever done; along with the hardest thing I've ever done. I let go. I let love go. I had to. There was no other choice.

I feel a hole in my chest. I breathe to fill it in and it gets bigger. I fight back tears and more seem to come. I sqeeze myself harder and all I feel are his arms around me. I try not to think about it and focus on work and then find myself blogging because I can't hold it in anymore. How in the hell did I expect to work today?

It was real. It still is. I know, without a single doubt, that I'm in love with him. I love him. I know that he loves me too. In his way, he loves me. In the best way he knows how, he loves me. Yet, it's not the way I need him to love me. It's not enough. Love, his love, is not enough. It hurts to say that. I find myself gasping for air typing it. I feel yesterday's dinner inching its way up my esophagus. I feel my stomach twisting and writhing in anger and heartache. I feel my neck stiffen and my eyes begin to water and my hands are shaking.

I have this saying on my wall that says, "Real love stories never have endings". And a dear friend pointed out that love didn't end here, just the relationship. The relationship ended because it was the best thing for the both of us. He is about to embark on an amazing journey that will take him everywhere and allow his so many opprotunities to grow and learn and discover and feel and experience. This is a once in a lifetime opprotunity for him and I want nothing for him, but absolute happiness and peace for him. He deserves it.

He drove by my house last night. He stopped in front of my building for a moment, then sped off. I wanted to run out after him. I didn't. I laid back down and cried. I hurt him. I know I did. I didn't want to, nor did I mean to, but it happened. We are both hurt and heartbroken. All I want to do I hold him and tell him it will be alright. Tell him that I love him with every inch of my soul. I want to be in his arms. Last night, I laid in bed and talked to him as though he were laying right behind me. I asked him to hold me and tell me it will be alright. I told him that I love him and never meant to hurt him. It's the last thing in the world I wanted. I curled up and just sobbed. I couldn't control it. I cried until I fell asleep. I don't know what time it was. I woke up and cried again. Fell back asleep. Woke up again and cried; fell back asleep. Dreamt about saving him and being unable to do so due to pirates that were trying to kill me and blow me up. I woke up and felt helpless and empty and couldn't do anything about it.

I'm feeling exposed. Like a surgical patient that's been wheeled from the clean, sterile environment of my realtionship and been put into a third world country war zone. I'm open, bleeding, exposed from the inside out and I can't keep myself sterile. I sobbed in a man's arms. I was completely vulnerable and honest. I'm never like that with men; not in a very long time. The last one I was vulnerable and honest with broke me and it took me a long time to recover. I let go with him. I allowed it to be that way. I fell in love. I fell hard. I still love him. Suck. He let me be vulnerable. He loved me the best way he knew how. He loved me unconditionally and I love him the same way. But they are two completely different ways.

He loves me in his way and his way is not compatible with my way. Not right now in his life. I know he's young and our conversation proved it. He still believes that love, his love, is enough to make a relationship work and last. I know better. He's moving. Away from Texas. How can this work? Long distance? I can't. It's too hard and totally unfair for both of us. He can't love me the way I need to be loved right now. He doesn't understand. He can't understand; not right now. He will one day; when he grows up and when he has experienced life. He just hasn't yet. The timing is not right. Maybe it will be one day, maybe it won't. I don't know, nor can I think about that right now.

I hurt all over. I want chinese food and my bed and SATC.

I hate everything right now.