Why I knew it wouldn't work... at least not now...

My first hint was a couple Saturday's ago. We had dinner plans with Nick and Courtney. We met Courtney at the store to gather the rest of what we needed and then Court and I were gonna cook and the boys could meet. Considering the last 2 guys I dated that met Nick turned out to be shams and Nick questioning why I date men that are lesser individuals than I am and are not intellectually on my level, I was sure this one would change that theory. He was very intelligent and loved to debate. So, we get inside and start cooking; Court and I did. The boys hung out in the kitchen with us. Nick put on some music and then we started a conversation because there was awkward silence and Court and I were just talking about girl stuff, like you do. So, we changed the subject to try and get conversations flowing with all of us. We talked about movies and Tommy complained often about how long dinner was taking. We finally sat down and enjoyed the meal; delicious. Then, when all were done, Court and I said "OK we cooked, you guys do the dishes". Naturally. So, Nick got up and started clearing the table and Tommy just saw there and pretended to be asleep. I looked at him and said, "hey dishes time". He asked Nick if he needed help, Nick said that he had it, and so he just continued to sit there and talk about movies. That was my first hint that something had to change.

My next hint was his new job. He had applied for the job prior to us getting together. He didn't tell me about it and naturally wouldn't have until he heard he had an interview. He told me about the interview and then explained the job to me. He was interviewing to be a flight attendant for AA. AWESOME!! So, what does that mean? What are all the little things? Then he laid it on me. The main reason they were looking at him was because he was flexibility in his location. They need attendants at O'Hare, JFK, and LAX. I said oh. So, you'd be moving then? He said, yes, but there are perks. Are there? Do tell. You get to fly cheap. I'll fly 3-5 days a week and then be home the others. Except for the 3 weeks that I'm on call 24 hours a day, but after that it will be 3-5 days a week. I said, but you will be living not here in Texas. I live in Texas and I'm not moving any time soon. When you say "go home", which home are you talking about? And would you spend all that time with me or would you want to see other people too? Will I even be available on the days you come home because of rehearsals or trips or business? This doesn't allow for much consistency or quality time for us. You know what says love most to me and that's quality time and conversation. How will we have that? So, I decided that this was too much to try and figure out right then. Let him get the job first and then we can figure out the specifics. Now, this whole time that he's interviewing and waiting to hear back, he has another job. It wasn't terribly consistent. He was the pick up guy at Massage Envy. Unbeknowenst to me, he had been offered a management position with them. He was offered this position after he and I were official. He turned it down for the AA job; which pays less for the first 3 years and gives no consistency and requires a big move. Whereas, the management position came with a raise, no move, and a consistent schedule that he would create. He obviously was not as "we" minded as I was. How did he expect to raise a family with that kind of schedule, let alone continue to move forward in our relationship? (Yes, we were talking marriage and family) That was my second hint something was off.

My third hint was the Sunday night before my birthday. We had discussed him coming over and spending the night so I could wake up next to him on my birthday; plus we both slept better when we were together anyway. I had rehearsal that night for a performance I had the next night. He knew about it. I said I would call him when it was done and then he could head over. I texted him as my rehearsal was winding down to let him know that we would be done soon. He started to pull back and say he wasn't sure he would be coming over. I said, somewhat jokingly, "wrong answer, try again". He said, "I'm sorry babe, I'm just too tired to get out of bed." I was floored. I wasn't asking for anything more than for him to drive over and crawl into bed with me and sleep. I wasn't even asking for birthday sex. I was asking him to sleep next to me. I didn't merit 20 minutes worth of energy to get into his car and drive to me. I began to let him know my disappointment. He began to avoid it. I told him of my disappointment. He became more evasive. I called him on it. He said I needed to relax before I said something I would regret. I told him good night and I love you. He said he would be over in the morning. The next morning arrives and I'm bombarded with love and birthday messages from all my friends on facebook. I make some coffee, turn on One Tree Hill, and begin to reply back to the messages. The morning continues to fade away and I have still not heard from my boyfriend. So, around 10:45am I texted him "good morning". He said "happy birthday", then starts trying to figure out how grumpy I was about the almost fight we had the night before. He then came over. We sat on the couch and watched TV. He didn't say anything about it. We ate lunch, watched more TV, then I started to get ready. We left for the performance, nothing resolved. We arrived, I introduced him to all my friends that came. I sang. We left and went out for drinks. He didn't want to go out because he was tired. He came out and was silent at the table the whole time. My sister was there too. She proceeded to take any opportunity that presented itself to insult me. My favorite one of the night was when she called me a dumb whore and everyone fell silent. There was a part of me that expected Tommy to stick up for me, but he sat there silently too. We left and went home. He walked in the door and sat on the couch and turned on the TV. I shook my head and put on some of my sexy lingerie and stood coy like in the doorway and asked him if he really wanted to watch TV. He hesitantly turned off the TV and came into the bedroom. I, then, proceeded to get things going. He turned them all down. He was tired and the pain in his side had returned. I said he should go to the doctor and turned over. He asked me what was wrong. Really? I said put yourself in my place for a second. I've been throwing myself at you all day and night and you don't seem the least bit interested in being intimate with me and making love. Are you not attracted to me anymore? He said I was being silly and how could he not be attracted to me. He said I would know if he wasn't attracted to me. I said, well today speaks loudly to that. He said that it was his side and he was tired. I said then kiss me. Kiss me like you mean it. He huffed and puffed, then kissed me out of obligation; like he had to in order to make his girlfriend shut up and go to sleep. That was a bigger hint than the other two had been that this is not heading down a good path.

The last hint was the conversation we had the next morning. We woke up and I was thinking that maybe we would finally get some love making going. No. Nothing. He had to go to work. He didn't tell me this. So, I know that there is a limited window of opportunity for communication, so I took it. I asked, "Do you know what says love the most to me?" He said, "I don't know". I told him it was quality time. Spending quality time together is one of the things that say love to me. I said what said love to you. He said the way you kiss me and touch me. The way you look at me and smile at me. I said that all has to do with me. What says love to you not in regards to your significant other? He said he just gets this feeling. I said OK. Tell me what makes you happy. He said, "you do"; which automatically made me cringe ever so slightly because a 22 year old girl wants to hear that. A 28 year old woman cringes because that says he's dependent upon you for his happiness and we know that's crap and it won't work. I said tell me what made you happy before me. He said "who said I was happy before you?" Cringe. What do you mean? He said I was content. Content with life and the way things were. He said that I reminded him what it was to be happy; which is the exact same thing he said before worded differently. So, then I asked him the big question. The one that really spoke as to how different we were and how different our love views were. I asked, "True or False: Love is enough." He said true. I began to cry. He asked what was wrong. I said I would have answered false. He began to tell me that he couldn't explained how he loved me, he just knew he did. He said there wasn't one thing that said love to him more than something else, but everything I did said that I loved him to him. I asked so you display your affections through teasing and picking on me. He said yes; it's when that stopped that I knew something was wrong. I said your picking on me will eventually tear me down. He said he would intermix the good stuff too. I wanted to immediately tangent into how that was a psychological power hold over me and how he subconsciously needed to keep me down in order to feel that he still had some control while keeping me holding on by keeping me looking forward to the times and moments he doesn't pick on me and is sincere and loving; but I didn't go there. He said that I needed to be more open minded about his love view point. I told him that I've already been there and loved that way and I grew up from it. I said that he needed to get to work. He agreed. He left.

I cried. I called Courtney and asked her to confirm that I know my best friend as well as I think I do. She asked what I meant. I said Tommy. She said you know. I said yes. She said he's not your match. I asked when she knew. She said the night we came over for dinner. She asked what happened, I gave her a rundown. She said you know what you have to do. I said I knew and I don't want to break his heart, but there is no other way. We love each other in two completely different ways and those ways are not compatible. If I asked him to stop picking on me, he would be compromising what he considers love and would, on some emotional level, begin to resent me for it. And if I didn't tell him to stop picking on me, I would be compromising my happiness in order to be in a relationship with him. I knew what had to be done.

He called because he left some things at my house and needed to get them. I said he should come by. He asked what was wrong. I said I'm still going over what we talked about this morning. He said he was too. He came over. I asked him how we were going to make this work. He said it is working. I looked at him. I told him it's not because we're not growing. How did we expect to grow with him moving half a country away? He said we could fix this, but not with him moving. I asked where this left us. He said no where good. I said that I didn't want to lose him. He said he didn't want to lose me. We sat there silently for a moment. I asked him, "I lost you, didn't I?" He shook his head yes. I cried harder. He looked so hurt. I leaned over and wrapped my arms around him. He began to cry. I didn't let go. I said this is not your fault. He said it's not yours either. I said I still love you; that won't change. He excused himself to the bathroom. I cried more. He came back and said he needed to go and take care of some things. I said OK. He stood up and put his shoes on. He asked if he could have a hug. I said of course and hugged him. I was still crying. I said I loved him again. He wrapped his arms tighter around me and then said something that broke me. He said, "I'm gonna miss you so much". I lost it. He pushed me away from him, gathered his things, and walked out of my door. I fell apart; right there in my living room. I fell apart. He was gone; out of my life. He was gone and I sent him away. I broke his heart and I watched myself do it. I watched the man's heart that I love break. This was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I feel broken. I feel empty. I feel lost. I feel everything.