I feel behind...

As in life. I feel like I'm behind the curve. Like I missed my window to be current with the world. Or maybe I just feel stuck. Like I've accomplished nothing in my life. I know that's not true; I've done and lived so much. However, I feel behind.

Recently, my ex (fiance from way back when) and I have reconnected. Not in a romantic way (not a chance), but in a platonic "we were apart of each others lives for so long we should be friends still" kind of way. It's been really nice to see how he's been and what he's been up to. He and his ex girlfriend had a baby, Londyn. She's a doll and he's so head over heels for her! It's so wonderful to see that. I never thought he would beat me to the punch in that department. When we were together, we were so anti-kids... and now he's a daddy and hasn't been so happy!

I'm terribly happy for him and at the same time I'm green with envy. I want kids. I do. I feel behind. He, who was so "I don't want kids" when we were together, is a happy papa. When is it my turn?

I have also learned recently that both (count that 2) of my best friends will more than likely be engaged by the end of the year. One boyfriend has already asked for permission to marry and the other is days away from it. If I was a betting woman, I would put a million dollars that they will both have rings by the end of the year. I could not be more happy for the both of them. They so deserve it! Everything they have both gone through and dealt with... this couldn't be better news!

So, in my elation for them, I find myself asking, "Why not me? When is it my turn?" How selfish can I be? I feel like a terrible friend for feeling this way. I should be focusing on them and this amazing journey that's about to occur for the both of them! Why am I feeling sorry for myself? Why do I feel so behind?

I've recently decided to go back to school and finish up my degree. I'm 28 years old and just now going back to school. Talk about feeling behind. I'll be sitting in classes with early 20 somethings and a few that aren't even old enough to drink legally. Some will already be married or engaged or have kids. All the things I want and don't have.

So, am I terrible for thinking that maybe I don't deserve it? Maybe all the things I did when I was younger have canceled out what I want? Maybe all the things that happened to me when I was younger will keep me from these things? Maybe it's just not in the cards for me. Maybe I'm supposed to be a strong, single woman with no kids. Maybe I'm not supposed to fall in love anymore. Maybe there actually isn't anyone out there for me and I'm supposed to be the great friend. Maybe the rest of my life is supposed to be about just me.

So, yeah. I feel behind. I feel behind and alone. Great combo. Who would want to be around that mess?

I know that I shouldn't feel this way. I'm still young and I still have a whole lot of life still to live, but I can't help feeling this way.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up to a new day tomorrow. Hopefully with a more upbeat/positive tone to it!

Maybe I just need someone to help me not give up hope. Someone to remind me that there is someone special out there for me. Someone to remind me that I will fall in love again. Someone to remind me that there is something amazing out there that I'm destined to be apart of. I need someone to remind me.